i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
