did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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