I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
