Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
