I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
