I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
