Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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