He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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