I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
