I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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