I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
only if we run a train.
done.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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