hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The uberlube is also flammable
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
