we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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