Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
