Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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