Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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