I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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