i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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