Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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