Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize