smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
how can u be prego again
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
