I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Be still, my beating vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
