The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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