I wish my penis had an off switch
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
her vagine was all disorganized.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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