He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
