the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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