Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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