I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
