i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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