So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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