fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
