great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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