I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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