Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
