If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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