have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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