i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
