I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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