it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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