when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
