I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
