god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
