God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
