those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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