dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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