Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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