I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
