the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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