Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
