both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
