If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
