the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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