i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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