Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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