Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
