I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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