areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
