just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
