when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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