his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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