he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
