I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
