next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
