i think my tv is drunk
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
